I have done the work…danced with the demons…been brought to my knees for days on end as I allowed myself to feel emotional pain. I have rebuilt my friendships, my relationships with my children, my business and the inner workings of me. My hobbies, free time, my schedule, in general, have all been a wonderful mess of confusion that I am still trying to sort out – and I continue to love that process. I have sat in days of solitude, binging, reading, crying, still not cooking, and shockingly…not drinking. I have turned my pain into gratitude (that was hard)
And I have been thinking of you.
I am a hopeless romantic who, even after the unimaginable, believes the great love story is out there waiting for me. No, it doesn’t include a private jet and running away for a weekend in Paris (to be clear though I would like to dance on the steps of the Palais Garnier). This great love affair can be found in quiet moments on the couch, in those hugs that can melt away all the stress of a day away, in the way we banter in person or over text, or those moments where we look across the room at each other and you think to yourself “she’s my little wacko and I love every single ounce of her.” And you don’t care how many ounces I am.
Still interested? Here’s what I’m looking for:
I want a relationship built on trust – unbreakable trust. Sure you can confide in your friends but when we place something in the vault, it stays put. And as we walk around in the world everyone can see that we are each taken, even when we aren’t together. We are respectful of each other’s pasts, time, current life situation, and the decisions we have made along the way. We offer guidance without judgment. We are committed to building a sacred space between us that puts US on a pedestal, where the romance lives and bonds us as a couple yet respects us as individuals (have I mentioned I need space?). We want each other to shine in our careers and hobbies – and our work ethic is strong and is well respected (sometimes I work a lot). We operate with unconditional love not expecting a single act is returned. We both cherish “us” and never take the other for granted. We love activity and are both always looking for fun and unique things to do out there in the world. The honeymoon period never ends – it doesn’t have to – (if you want help with this call my dad – he still sweeps my mom off of her feet – I’m happy to tell you all about it as well). If you need a harem of emotional support who have nicknames for you, please…I am just not interested.
We bless every blade of broken grass we each had to step on to find each other.
The right guy reads this and says, “why does she have to write any of this down? Of course, that is what a relationship is all about.” You…yeah you…please continue on – because I have a twist…
When my children call (especially my little one) your role is “let me know if you need a shot of tequila, your credit card, or if I need to call the lawyer.” Yes, they are spoiled now, yes because he is gone, and yes because of the unbearable guilt I still can not shake after putting them through the last five years. To date, I haven’t made them clean, not even a dish – or push a vacuum since April. If you can accept that and support me with that constant struggle in my head – without comment or judgment – I will return that 10 fold. They do not have another parent and I chose to carry a torch for his memory because of the peace we built together after our divorce. You should not and will not be threatened by his ghost because you believe me when I say that it is only a platonic love. You will help me unhook from my self-imposed role as their emotional support puppy – it is time, be gentle with me and with them.
My darling – I am looking for the great love, the real deal of a man, who is whole and complete and can handle my baggage, my life, and support me in my dreams. You trust me as you unpack yours as well. We are healed from it – never point to it – but tread carefully with each other’s hot button issues. I fall hard and love with great passion, but my standards are high and I get bored easily. For the right person, this adventure in building THE great love will the easiest and most rewarding. I give it my all with the freedom to allow you to shine on your own – sometimes we wait in each other’s wings and sometimes we hold hands together. Our lives and hearts intermingled it will be the great love story we build effortlessly together.
Give to me your leather, take from me my lace…