She let go….

I am not enough…I will not be succesfull…what if it all falls apart?  What if I can not keep it together…if it never sells…if they are not happy…if it all gets too expensive?  What if they leave…what if others indefinitely stay?  Not enough time…too many ideas…where to find balance.  What if they really never come back…how will I deal with that pain…of not being enough.  A vicious cycle of fears and what ifs….

And then one day I just let it go.  I stood up from the sofa and knew it was time to step into my power as a mom, a partner,  a business owner…a woman, heck and as a person.  I had just heard a “She Let Go” poem read by Petra Kolber at a conference.  It was a good one for sure, but I knew mine had to be a bit more personalized.

Here is my “She Let Go…”

  • There was no post or tweet
  • No texting a friend before or once it was done
  • No french martini in hand to toast the departure
  • Without the validation of an academic degree or new url
  • No picture taken to record the moment
  • No journaling done
  • Life coach was not present or consulted
  • There was no podium…or microphone…applause…or handout
  • No advice given and no wise counsel
  • No  overanalysis of studies on the subject
  • Without caring what others thought
  • Didn’t read a book or a blog
  • No plan..or calendar…or google alert to remind me
  • There was no struggle…

I stood up from that couch in charge of my world….and let go of the anxiety and fear…the struggle and the past.  Those who had exited I did not need…I let go of my need for perfection and fear of the mistakes  – of wanting more – of not being enough – of “when” it might all come together.

The beautiful and wonderous circus that is my life was finally accepted

We could mark the moment as when:

She let go of being anyone’s anything
and became her own everything

She started to live in the now – build for the future.  No longer wonder but to create.  She even committed in her own special way to start adulting all areas that needed adulting – no matter how much she hated that.

This happened after a rollercoaster of a week – and a bigger rollercoaster of a weekend….and a morning – and a minute.  They each were filled with great disappointment and incredible highs.  She saw disappointment in someone’s eyes about her actions and realized it had nothing to do with her – this was her life to live…to share with those who cherished and fed her soul – as unusual and spectacular as it might be.  To the right person she would be enough…and most imporantly to herself she was more than she could handle.