Lost Without My Father

images (5)Getting divorced…picking-up a golf club again at 40…selling my home…investing…building my business…making my first estimated quarterly tax payment..he has not been by my side for any of it, and at times I have felt completely alone.  Truth be told I can handle it, I do my research, seek wise counsel, figure out the best move, and then move forward.   And I am lucky beyond words to have TG by my side holding my hand and helping me at each step.  And I have my buddy Marcus who does an awesome job and steps into the role when I am searching (prenup…SEP?).

In many ways, I was raised to be his buddy.  He showed me how to swing a tennis racket, a golf club, and rack em’ in pool.  He instilled in me a great love of music…especially the old stuff…like Mr. Bojangles and Super Skiier….Jim Croce…Chapin.

But then he was gone, almost in a flash, and not around to see my children grow, me finally found peace, happiness and an amazing partner…watch me build a business and have it take-off.

And I have built a life without his help, and an amazing life at that.  But through some very big decisions and piles of research I have wondered…and dreamed a little bit about what it would be like to have his wise counsel.  Or not even have his counsel but just his sarcastic awesome irreverent respect for authority to get me through.

When you have a family argument, there are always two sides to every story.  In fact, both sides may feel as if they have every reason to be hurt.  Usually, both sides need to forgive and both apologize.  When battles rage on for quite some time there are wounds which take time to heal and scars form that will never disappear.  I get it.  But at some point the anger and pain you feel is not even from what originally transpired.  It sort of takes on a life of its own and creates more drama that does not really exist.  And by gosh…if one party apologizes and wants back in, just give them a hug, open your door, and shut up and play nice on holidays.

It isn’t all that hard people.

Ya know, I’m a pretty tough chick.  I have weathered some storms and certainly some darkness.  I have actually gotten lost, but have found my way.  It is my unwavering belief in myself that has always kept me going.  We all go through tough times, lean on friends and family, and I have been grateful when someone steps in with a loving hand to take a bit of pressure off my back.  And from my perspective, at any age and level of success a girl just needs dad’s hand to hold at times, especially when she is out there on her own…as she hires a contractor, invests for her future, takes on a new client, or sits with an accountant.  Or lets say she starts to plan her future with a new special someone who seems a bit too good to be true.  Sure, she can do it all alone, but it sure would be nice to talk to dad.

I have many wishes and dreams in my life and often share them with the universe so we can start to manifest.  Near the top of my list is to find peace with all of this.  I try to remind myself that I don’t need him in my life…

I only wish my words
could just convince myself,
That it just wasn’t real,
but that’s not the way it feels